The good memories come first, you can almost feel the warmth of their body close to yours on that night you stayed out late, talking about everything and nothing at all. You remember how their smile made you feel like you were the only person in the world. Your chest feels lighter as you think about the time they brought you coffee after you pulled an all-nighter, how they remembered exactly how you liked it.
But then, your mind drifts, almost without permission, to the harder moments – arguments and disappointments. You remember the fight that left you both silent for days. The sting of being misunderstood still lingers a little, even though you’ve moved past it.
“How Remembering Positive and Negative Events Affects Intimacy in Romantic Relationships,” examines the duality of your relationship memories. Dr. Tabea Wolf and Research Assistant Lisa Nusser explore how recalling these events – whether tender or tense – impacts the level of intimacy we feel toward our partner.
So, while the best memories bring you closer, the tough ones remind you that every relationship has its challenges – and how you handle them can make all the difference.
How Nostalgia Fuels Relationships
Memories connect us to others, especially in our romantic relationships. They make us feel closer to our partners, even when we’re not physically together. According to Dr. Wolf and L. Nusser, these memories serve an “intimacy function” by allowing us to relive memories that elicit emotional warmth and connection.
Studies have found that “participants reported significantly higher feelings of warmth toward their partner” after remembering positive memories, like a shared vacation or a romantic evening.
On the other hand, thinking back to negative events – like arguments or conflicts – can decrease our good feelings and may even lower relationship satisfaction. Previous studies show when we frame our relationship stories with a negative mindset, it can lead to less satisfaction and intimacy.
However, the effects of negative memories aren’t as strong as you might think. Research has found that “the intensity of negative memories typically fades faster over time than positive ones,” meaning we tend to remember the good times better than the bad.
Studying the Impact of Memories
The research team divided their research into two studies, which allowed them to compare the results from two different angles. Study 1 aimed to understand the general impact of positive and negative memories. While Study 2 focused specifically on conflict-related memories.
Study 1: The Power of Positive and Negative Memories
This study explored how recalling positive or negative memories impacts intimate feelings between romantic partners. The researchers wanted to know if reminiscing about moments like romantic getaways or sweet evenings together would increase intimacy. And if remembering conflicts could lower it.
A total of 71 adults completed the study. They had an average age of 28 years old, with 70.4% identifying as female. Most of the participants were in heterosexual relationships.
The participants were split into two groups: one recalled positive memories, the other negative ones. They spent five minutes describing each memory, focusing on the event, their emotions, and thoughts. Before and after the recollection, they rated their feelings of emotional warmth and relationship closeness by responding to statements like, “My partner can really understand my hurts and joys.”
Study 2: Relationship Conflicts
Study 2 focused on how remembering conflict situations affects intimacy. Dr. Wolf and L. Nusser wanted to know if significant conflicts and coping strategies influenced warmth and closeness in relationships.
A total of 187 adults participated, with 67.4% identifying as female, ranging in age from 18 to 86, and with an average relationship length of 15 years.
Participants were asked to remember and describe two conflicts they had with their partner. They spent 4 minutes on each memory; detailing what happened, what was said, how they felt, and how they managed the situation. Afterward, they rated their feelings before and after the recollection.
The research team also examined problem-solving strategies, such as active coping – like addressing the issue directly – or passive, emotion-focused strategies – like self-distraction.
Results: Memories Matter
Overall, remembering positive events can boost your feelings of warmth and closeness, while negative memories can reduce those feelings. However, the impact of these memories varies from person to person.
The Intimacy Function
The researchers reaffirmed the “intimacy function” of positive memories. Simply thinking back to two positive memories from your relationship can significantly increase your feelings of warmth and connection.
However, negative memories have a different effect. Thinking about conflicts or emotionally challenging moments may reduce your feelings of warmth. But it doesn’t always impact your relationship closeness. How these bad memories affect you depends on several things, like how important the memory is and how you handled the situation. For some, these memories might even serve as a learning tool, helping you grow closer to your partner by resolving similar conflicts in the future.
Can We Predict a Decrease in Intimacy?
The short answer is a strong maybe.
One of the main findings from this research is that a decrease in intimacy isn’t guaranteed when we think about bad memories. Instead, how we cope during the original conflict plays a considerable role.
For example, self-distracting like doom-scrolling through social media, overworking, playing video games, or even doing household chores – anything to avoid the conflict – may make you feel a drop in intimacy when thinking about the event later.
On the flip side, problem-solving together during a conflict will make it less likely you think about it negatively later.
Why Some Problems Stick Around Longer
It’s important to note that some relationship issues don’t just disappear because they’re tricky to solve. The research team recognizes that “significant conflicts or chronic problems often remain unresolved due to their complexity,” meaning quick fixes or easy solutions may not work. These long-term issues persist over time because they stem from deeper, ongoing challenges in the relationship. As a result, when you think back on them, they might still feel unresolved or emotionally draining.
Limitations and Future Research
Dr. Wolf and L. Nusser acknowledge the limits of relying on self-reported data and the online format, which may have introduced distraction or boredom.
They also point out that while they asked participants to think about two memories, some variance in the emotional intensity of these memories might have skewed the results. Future studies should explore a broader range of memories to get a clearer understanding of how many positive or negative recollections it takes to shift our feelings of intimacy.
Bad Memories ≠ Negative Vibes
Thinking about negative memories doesn’t have to hurt your relationship. With the right strategies, you can reduce the negative impact and may even strengthen your coupledom. Try these tactics:
Avoid Self-Distraction
Using self-distractions like scrolling through your phone or rage cleaning to cope with relationship conflicts often leaves the issues unresolved. Instead, tackle the problem head-on to avoid these lingering effects.
Focus on Problem-Solving
When the inevitable conflict comes up, using active coping and planning is super important for reducing the negative impact when you think about the issue later.
- Active Coping is directly addressing the issue. For example, if you and your partner argue about chores, instead of ignoring it or silently resenting them, try: “Let’s sit down and figure out a schedule so we both feel like the workload is fair.”
- Planning requires thinking ahead to prevent future problems. For instance, if your arguments start because of miscommunication, then you and your partner might decide to check in with each other once a week to make sure you’re both on the same page.
These will help you find solutions, rather than just venting or sweeping problems aside.
Close the Conflict
Once the issue has been resolved, you must mentally close that conflict, so it doesn’t continue to affect your relationship. To put it plainly, it’s time to let it go. When you let it go, it becomes part of your past rather than something that hangs around giving you bad vibes.
If you’ve dealt with the problem and come to an agreement, you can move forward without bringing it up again in future arguments.
For example, after a big fight about finances, you and your partner create a shared budget and agree on spending limits. Now that you’ve put that plan in place, closing the conflict means you won’t bring up past spending mistakes every time a small disagreement about money comes up.
So, go ahead and think about the best moments and the not-so-great. Because these memories create your relationship and shape your intimacy.
