Porn is widely used by both men and women, with research showing it can have both positive and negative effects on relationships.
Yet, despite studies linking open communication about porn to higher relationship satisfaction and intimacy, it remains a taboo topic for many couples.
Published in The Journal of Sex Research, a study explores how romantic partners set boundaries around pornography use and the types of rules they create. Learning the ways couples discuss pornography is key to understanding its impact on relationship dynamics and wellbeing.
The study
To uncover how couples handle watching porn in a relationship, researchers surveyed 3,385 heterosexual individuals across the U.S.
Most participants were women (72%), followed by men (27.4%), transgender individuals (0.3%), and those identifying as “other” (0.2%), with a median relationship length of five and a half years. Most also reported religious affiliations (70%).
Over two-thirds (77%) had purposely viewed pornography in the past.
Responding to an open-ended question, participants described their rules regarding porn use within relationships. If no rules existed, they were told to write “none.”
Major themes in porn use rules
As expected, the vast majority of couples (77%) hadn’t set specific rules about watching porn in a relationship. In contrast, 8% banned it entirely, and 15% established clear guidelines.
Couples with no rules
Many couples reported having no rules about porn, often because they’d never discussed the topic. Some participants said they weren’t aware setting rules was a possibility.
However, 10% agreed to have no rules after conversing with their partner. Some emphasized the value of personal choice and mutual agreement. Others expressed indifference toward their partner’s pornography use.
No porn allowed
Outright bans on watching porn in a relationship arose from negative perceptions of pornography.
Some participants said it was “unacceptable” or “not allowed” due to religious beliefs or moral objections. Others raised concerns about pornography’s potential harm, calling it “degrading” or “not healthy, even if we watch it together.”
Yet, not all couples who agreed to porn bans shared the same reasoning, a viewpoint frequently expressed by men. One said, “My wife does not let me watch it, but I see no harm in it and think it would be educational.”
The rules
For couples with rules, these primarily focused on relationship dynamics and specific restrictions on content types.
Couple vs. individual use
About 5% said pornography is only allowed when partners view it together. Many described the mutual activity as important for building intimacy and open communication.
One participant said, “We both use pornography as a sexual stimulant, to explore new sexual acts, and as a way to keep the relationship fresh and exciting.”
A smaller group (1.4%) had rules against watching porn alone. Some saw solo viewing as a violation of boundaries. Others only wanted their partners to watch alone, preferring not to know about it.
Prioritizing intimacy
About 5% of respondents said pornography should not replace or interfere with sexual intimacy between partners. For example, they emphasized partners should engage with each other first and not use it during sex.
However, some found porn acceptable under certain conditions, such as during prolonged separations or when one partner isn’t in the mood for sex.
Permission-based rules
A very small group (<1%) had rules requiring a partner’s permission before watching porn.
Content restrictions
About 4% had rules against viewing certain types of sexual content. Common restrictions included extreme or illegal forms such as material involving minors, abuse, and violence. Some couple also banned porn with bondage, fetishes, threesomes, or group sex.
Some participants also banned sexual interactions and video chats with live people, such as cam models.
Other rules restricted content featuring sex acts and performers with certain physical traits. Examples included “no anal”, “no penises over 6 inches,” and no “no blondes or redhaired females.”
Only 1% set limits on frequency of pornography use, including avoiding daily viewing. Less than 1% established rules for shielding porn use from children.
Opening dialogue on watching porn in a relationship
Despite its prevalence, open conversations about porn are missing from most relationships.
Many couples skirted the topic, leaving boundaries unspoken and rules undefined. When rules were set, they mainly focused on restrictions tied to relationship dynamics and content types. A minority adopted a strict no-porn policy.
The authors encourage further research explore why couples avoid discussing porn, especially since sexual communication can benefit relationships.“When couples lack an understanding of relational rules and boundaries, they may set themselves up for perceived boundary violations and resentments,” they wrote.
In the end, honest and upfront dialogue could pave the way for stronger connections.
