Your thoughts spiral into a familiar loop of confusion. “Why am I so sensitive?” you wonder. “They said I was overreacting again. But… Didn’t I have the right to be upset?”
These thoughts tug at you. The endless cycle of questioning yourself has become routine. Every time you bring up your feelings, your partner turns the tables. They call you “overly emotional” and remind you how irrational you can be. And then, when you’re ready to pull away, they shower you with love – you’re the most important person in their life.
It’s confusing, exhausting, and makes you wonder, “Is it really me? Am I the problem?”
Many people experience this emotional tug-of-war but don’t always recognize it – it’s called gaslighting. “A Qualitative Analysis of Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships,” examines this subtle, insidious form of emotional abuse. Gaslighting isn’t simply manipulation; it’s about making the victim doubt their mind. And in romantic relationships, this can be especially damaging – causing survivors to feel like they’ve lost themselves.
If you feel like you’re constantly doubting your reality, it may not be you. It’s a tactic. One designed to make you feel unstable and keep you emotionally tied to someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
Quick History
Gaslighting comes from the 1940s Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, later adapted into two films. In the 1944 version, a manipulative husband tries to drive his wife insane. He subtly alters the environment, like dimming the gaslights, and convinces her that she’s imagining things, making her question her sanity: thus, the term, gaslighting.
While the phrase has exploded in pop culture, with a staggering 1,740% increase in searches in 2022, its study in psychology is relatively new.
Studying Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships
Researchers Willis Klein, Sherry Li, and Dr. Suzanne Wood use platforms like Reddit and Facebook to find individuals to share their stories. To participate, they needed to be at least 18 years old and have been in a romantic relationship lasting at least four months. The team gave potential participants a clear definition of gaslighting before participation – describing it as a situation where one person causes their partner to doubt their thoughts, feelings, memories, and beliefs.
Sixty-five of them completed the survey. They ranged in age from 18 to 69, with a median age of 29. Most of them (48) identified as female, while most of the perpetrators were reported to be male. There were also a few cases involving male survivors who had experienced gaslighting in same-sex relationships.
Gathering Data & Finding Patterns
The survey was done online, allowing them to remain anonymous. They answered 15 open-ended questions to capture details about their relationships, specific instances of gaslighting, and the psychological impacts they experienced. The questions also touched on how these relationships affected their sense of self and if they had recovered from the emotional abuse.
Gaslighting Unmasked
Four main behavioral patterns dominate these toxic relationships: love-bombing, survivor isolation, partner unpredictability, and cold-shouldering.
Love-Bombing
Love-bombing may feel like a fairy tale at first. Over-the-top affection, endless gifts, and grand declarations of love. But love-bombing is a red flag wrapped in romance. As the study explains, this tactic creates a sense of ‘owing your partner’ and confusion – so you’re more likely to excuse any bad behaviors. One participant shared, “He said he loved me in three days…He also swept me up as he’s quite charming.”
Survivor Isolation
“He made me dependent on him, talked poorly about or to all my friends until I was left with really only him.” Once the love-bombing draws you in, the gaslighter often works to isolate you from your support system. Whether it’s badmouthing friends or encouraging jealousy-fueled arguments. Isolating you makes it easier for them to manipulate without any interference. Many survivors report canceling plans or losing friends entirely. Or becoming distant from family members they were once close to.
Partner Unpredictability
“Arguments started for no reason, switching rapidly to being extremely affectionate and sexual.” Imagine never knowing if your partner will greet you with a big hug or a cruel accusation – maybe both? This unpredictability keeps you on edge, so you’re constantly adjusting your behavior to avoid conflicts.
Cold Shouldering
“When I was finally ready to talk, he told me “You already had your chance” and proceeded to ignore me.” Cold shouldering is yet another tactic that gaslighters use to punish you. The silent treatment becomes a way to assert control – you may feel wrong or unreasonable. So, now you grapple with what is “reasonable”, eroding your confidence and reinforcing their control.
The Gaslighter
These perpetrators (yes, that’s what they are) don’t simply manipulate through actions – their words are just as harmful. Specific behaviors stood out in the research: insults/accusations and blaming.
Insults and Accusations
“You’re crazy… Overly sensitive… Emotional.”
These hurtful accusations are a staple in gaslighting. It’s supposed to strip you of your confidence and make you feel less competent, or even mentally unstable. This way you won’t trust your thoughts or perceptions.
Blaming
Gaslighters are the masters of deflection. Instead of taking responsibility for their toxic behavior, they blame you for everything – from small, trivial things to significant relationship problems. One participant shared how their partner cheated on them but somehow made it the participant’s fault for going on a work trip.
Why Do They Do It?
They often have mixed and overlapping motivations for their bad behavior, but two big motivators emerged in the study: avoiding accountability and maintaining control.
Avoiding Accountability
“Any time he had done something that [was] wrong, or disrespectful it would be my fault.” One of the most common motivations for gaslighting was their relentless need to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Anything from infidelity, shirking responsibilities, or hurtful behavior. They will do whatever it takes to shift the blame.
By labeling you as “paranoid” or “crazy”, the gaslighter can shift the focus away from their wrongdoing – avoiding the need to acknowledge or take responsibility for their betrayal. And they don’t just use this to escape accountability for big things like cheating. They use it to dodge everyday responsibilities and duties within your relationship.
Control
“When I didn’t behave/say what he wanted… he would pick fights and belittle me.”
At their core, it’s all about control. They might attempt to sabotage your personal goals or independence. They’ll tell you how you should act, think, or feel. Over time, you may lose your identity as you mold yourself to fit your partner’s expectations. For some gaslighters, the goal is coercion. This can include setting rules, verbal abuse, and even property damage or threats.
What’s the Effect on Survivors?
The psychological toll of gaslighting is severe, leaving you with a diminished self, guardedness, and mistrust of others.
“I was broken. I felt like a shell of a woman. Lonely and desperate.” Gaslighting can leave you feeling worthless and confused. Questioning your value and identify. For many, the emotional manipulation breaks down their confidence until they feel like they’re no longer themselves.
“I’m still paranoid that people are trying to undermine me.” Even after leaving the relationship, you may struggle with trust issues. Finding it hard to form new relationships or even interact with people.
Recovery & Growth
When you break free, recovery is possible. Many survivors find strength in reconnecting with friends and family. They rediscover hobbies and start doing more mindful activities like yoga or journaling.
“Right when things ended, I immediately regained my sense of self as well as confidence.”
You may also experience “post-traumatic growth.” These are the positive psychological changes that happen after struggling with things like emotional abuse. You may have a clearer understanding of your boundaries, a stronger sense of self, and a greater capacity for empathy. You might be hyper-aware of red flags and early signs of emotional manipulation.
Gaps in the Research
While this study reveals how this toxic behavior works, W. Klein and colleagues acknowledge some limitations to their findings. For one, the survey was completely online so they couldn’t ask the participants follow-up questions. The authors couldn’t clarify responses or dig deeper into any surprising answers – limiting the depth of the data. Further, the participants were discussing relationships that had ended over two years ago, so their memories of specific events might not be entirely accurate.
Another limitation was the lack of the gaslighter’s perspective. The researchers had to rely solely on the survivor’s account to guess the motivations behind the gaslighting behavior – leaving gaps in understanding what drives manipulation.
Looking Ahead
W. Klein and the research team recommend learning how survivors can stop gaslighting behavior within the relationship if they can’t leave that partnership. Financial dependency, children, and property ownership are all valid reasons why simply walking away may not be an option.
While most of the participants were women, the study did not find racial or ethnic identities more susceptible to gaslighting in romantic relationships; even though racial gaslighting can occur in other social situations. They call for more research into how it affects different social settings.
Yes, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, but it doesn’t always ‘look’ like intimate partner violence. So, understanding what motivates a gaslighter’s behavior may help us differentiate situations where gaslighting is the main abuse vs. relationships that have multiple types of abuse.
A Fairy Tale or Red Flag?
What looks like a fairy tale might be a giant red flag wrapped in sugar-coated abuse. Realizing that behaviors like love-bombing, isolating, and constant blame are actual abuse may not be easy to swallow. Thinking “Maybe it’s not that bad” or “Maybe I’m just overreacting” is completely understandable. But the truth is, gaslighting is designed to make you feel exactly that way.
Whether you see yourself in this research – or you see a friend or even family – it’s super important to know that you are strong and sane. And everyone deserves a relationship that doesn’t cause you to question your own reality.
If you or someone you know is experiencing gaslighting or any type of relationship abuse, you can get confidential support and guidance by visiting The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
