You loved the way people looked at your partner. The way strangers leaned in closer, laughing just a little too hard. Compliments were easily given. It pulled you in and made you want them even more. If everyone wanted them, how lucky were you to have them? And, now you’re together, you won the prize all the others chased after.
A few years into your relationship, that same attention feels different. You notice the lingering looks. The hugs that last just a second too long. What used to feel like admiration now tugs something deeper. You start to think about it a bit more, pick it apart.
You analyze them—the flirters—the ones who remind you that your partner is still a catch. And without meaning to, the way you react changes. Maybe you pull away, go quiet, or let something small get under your skin. Maybe you don’t even realize you’re doing it. But suddenly, what made you feel lucky now feels like something else.
You loved that the world wanted them. But now? You kind of wish they didn’t.
To examine how unwanted attention transforms desire into doubt, a recent article in The Journal of Sex Research published by Gurit E. Birnbaum Ph.D. and colleagues explores this shift from attention to anxiety.
It turns out, that attraction is all about perception. In the beginning, attention is social proof. Your mind registers it as validation: This person is desirable. You’re making a good choice. But once your partnership is secure, watching someone flirt with them doesn’t simply make you jealous—it might make you pull away.
We think we know how attraction works. But perhaps we’ve got it all wrong?
Look, but don’t touch… or just don’t look?
Attraction is a type of social currency. The idea is simple: if something is valuable, other people want it. This applies to dating, too. “People often rely on social cues to determine partners’ suitability, finding those who attract attention from others particularly appealing,” the research explains.
This concept—mate choice copying—suggests that seeing someone receive romantic interest makes them appear more desirable. And for those still swimming around the dating pool, this can be a good thing. But what about folks in committed relationships? Does seeing your partner receive attention from others still increase attraction? Or does it have the opposite effect?
That’s exactly what “When Your Partner is Being Flirted With: The Impact of Unsolicited Attention on Perceived Partner Desirability and Mate Retention Efforts” aims to understand.
Across three studies, the research team put participants (currently in relationships) into scenarios where their partner received unsolicited flirtatious attention. Afterward, they rated their sexual desire for their partner and their willingness to invest in the relationship.
Flirting with disaster
Across all three studies, researchers found that “attention to partners led to a decreased desire for them, subsequently predicting reduced relationship investment.” In simpler terms: Watching someone hit on your boo doesn’t make you want them more—it makes you second-guess your whole situationship.
In Study 1, participants either visualized a scenario where a stranger flirts with their significant other or thought of a neutral interaction. Then, they described a sexual fantasy. The result? Those who saw the flirting had less sexual desire for their partner than those who thought of neutral behaviors. And their fantasizing prioritized their own pleasure. Basically, instead of boosting passion, outside attention seemed to cause a distance in intimacy and connection.
For Study 2, participants experienced these scenes in virtual reality by watching an avatar of their partner interact with either a flirty stranger or a neutral bartender. Those who saw the flirt reported less sexual desire for their partner and were less than enthused to keep putting effort into their relationship. And they wanted to mate guard—aka belittle potential rivals or make them feel unwelcome. Think cold stares, passive-aggressive comments, or warning their partner about the new ‘shady’ admirer.
Finally, Study 3 participants recalled a memory of their partner receiving real unsolicited attention. The results? Same as above—they were less sexually attracted to their partner and were hyper-fixated on pushing away potential threats rather than focusing on ways to strengthen their romantic partnership.
Why the frosty feelings?
In the beginning, you needed folks to confirm your partner’s attractiveness. But now that you’ve got them in an LTR, you don’t need it anymore. Now, when someone flirts with your partner, your brain sees it as a warning sign—this person might leave you. And rather than fight for them, you might cope by pulling away.
It’s all about self-protection. “Situations posing as a threat to the relationship, such as a partner’s misbehavior or the possibility of separation, prompt individuals to prioritize self-protection over relationship maintenance,” the authors explain. Your mind is trying to get ahead of the heartbreak. If there’s even a teensy-weensy chance your partner could be tempted by someone else, you convince yourself they’re the problem. It’s not logical—it’s survival.
And it’s not simply about your partner, it’s about you, too. Seeing someone flirt with your SO doesn’t make you insecure about them, it makes you question yourself. Are you still attractive? As desirable? The study points out that this feeling can create a downward spiral, where you start to “question the potential for a more satisfying relationship elsewhere.” Suddenly, it’s not whether your partner might leave—it’s about if you want to stay. Your mind tricks you into thinking this relationship feels unstable, so you might start looking for other attractive options.
So, what does this mean? Your reaction isn’t irrational—it’s instinct. But instincts aren’t always correct. Just because your brain goes into defense mode doesn’t mean your partnership is crumbling.
Dealing with the flirt
If watching someone flirt with your partner makes you feel insecure, reframe your reaction. Don’t pull away but use it as a reminder of why you wanted them in the first place. They’re attractive, witty, and obviously still a prize. That’s a good thing. Don’t sulk or distance yourself, lean into reconnecting. Complement them. Flirt with them. Redirect that energy back into your relationship.
What if you’re feeling less than desirable and thinking, Maybe I should remind my partner that I’m still hot too? Be careful. According to the study, “seeking attention from others may backfire.” If they see someone hitting on you, their mind may not think, Wow, I’m so lucky! Instead, they may unconsciously begin to distance themselves. Trying to spark jealousy for validation can push them away instead of pulling them in.
Skip the games and focus on direct connection. If you want your partner’s attention, tell them. If you feel insecure, talk about it. Strengthen your bond by being open, not testing them.
