The spark with your new lover is undeniable. The chemistry in the bedroom is electric, but there’s a little something missing—you’re holding back when it comes to expressing your deeper desires. Everything’s good, but it could be even better.
You’ve always been curious about role-playing, but the thought of bringing it up feels daunting. Your first instinct? Maybe a late-night text. After all, you met on a dating app, so why not just send a message and avoid the potential awkwardness?
But then, you reconsider. What if you brought it up face-to-face instead? Over drinks, or during some post-sex pillow talk, where you can read their body language and see their reaction in real-time. Sure, you’d feel more vulnerable, but there’s power in that kind of honest exchange.
In this age of texting and social media, it’s tempting to communicate everything from the comfort of your phone. But just because it’s easy, does it mean it’s the best choice?
A study published in Sexes explores how sexual self-disclosure, whether through typed messages or in person, affects sexual satisfaction. Understanding these dynamics could help couples strengthen intimacy and communication in today’s tech-driven world.
What is sexual self-disclosure?
Sexual self-disclosure is when someone shares personal information about their sexual thoughts, feelings, experiences, or preferences with another person. This could mean telling a partner you enjoy slow kisses, once experimented with bondage, or feel self-conscious about trying a particular sex act.
Previous studies show that open sexual communication results in more positive experiences, such as feeling pleasure and connection. It also reduces negative ones, like discomfort or misunderstandings. This openness often leads to greater sexual satisfaction in relationships.
Some research suggests people are more likely to engage in sexual self-disclosure in person at home, as this setting feels safe. Yet it’s also common in tech-mediated spaces, particularly among young adults. In fact, many people prefer discussing sensitive topics through technology, especially text messages, because it also feels safe and less tied to real-world consequences.
Comparing contexts for sexual self-disclosure
Researchers have yet to explore how face-to-face sexual self-disclosure stacks up against tech-based sharing, but this study dives in.
They surveyed 450 undergraduate students, asking about the frequency and range of their in-person versus typed disclosures. They also assessed perceived sexual rewards, how participants’ sexual rewards compared to their expectations, and overall sexual satisfaction.
Participants were between 18 and 43 years old, with an average age of 20. Most identified as cisgender or transgender women (76%), heterosexual (71%), single (93%), and Caucasian/White (62%).
How did context and gender shape disclosure?
Contrary to expectations, participants engaged in more frequent and wide-ranging sexual self-disclosure in person than through typed technologies.
Still, most had shared personal sexual information both online (83%) and in person (91%). On average, they discussed 12 topics through typing and 17 face-to-face, out of 27 possible topics.
Men and women had similar rates of sexual self-disclosure when typing, both in frequency and range of topics.
But in person, women shared significantly more often and discussed a broader variety of topics. Specifically, they discussed sexual behaviors, sexual sensations, views on the meaning of sex, distressing sexual experiences, preferences for delaying sex, and sexual satisfaction. In such physical settings, men and women were equally likely to talk about sexual fantasies and sexual dishonesty.
The benefits of in-person sexual communication
Whether online or in person, the number of topics discussed had no significant impact on sexual satisfaction. What mattered most was how often people engaged in face-to-face sexual self-disclosure.
Specifically, in-person discussions were linked to perceiving greater sexual rewards and feeling positive experiences met or exceeded their expectations. These factors ultimately contributed to higher sexual satisfaction. In contrast, typed disclosure didn’t have the same effect.
Beyond the screen
If you want to enhance your sex life, consider swapping out texts for real-life conversations.
This study found that frequent in-person sexual self-disclosure significantly contributed to sexual satisfaction. Face-to-face discussions also covered a wider range of topics compared to typed messages.
But the conversation doesn’t stop here—more research is needed to uncover the deeper dynamics behind sexual self-disclosure in both settings. Perhaps an optimal balance between the two allows one to complement the other, fostering healthier communication and greater sexual satisfaction.
“One thing we didn’t check and that I suspect may make a difference is whether people are using tech-mediated sexual self-disclosure because they are living apart from a partner,” said Krystelle Shaughnessy, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Ottawa and the study’s supervising author. If typed messages are one of the only ways partners can share sexual desires, thoughts, and experiences, they may contribute to satisfaction in ways not captured here.
Dr. Shaughnessy suggests that future studies examine both the spatial and situational aspects of sexual communication. Exploring these factors could lead to fresh ideas on the ways digital interactions differ from in-person exchanges—and what that means for our sexual, relational, and emotional wellbeing.
