Asexuality. You thought you had it all figured out. It’s simple: no attraction, no desires, no complications. But here you are, mind wandering into these…well, fantasies? Faceless people, blurry figures—no one specific—but it’s kinda turning you on.
And now, there’s that friend—and they get you. Like really get you. We’re talking you can feel it in your soul, type of connection. They’ve been there through all your identity questioning, those nights where you wonder if asexuality was even a thing or just some blip in your brain. They listened, they cared. And, just lately, something’s shifting between you. You feel drawn to them. It’s more than friendship… or is it?
This spectrum of complex asexual feelings is the focus of “Deepening Sexual Desire and Erotic Fantasies Research in the ACE Spectrum: Comparing the Experiences of Asexual, Demisexual, Gray‑Asexual, and Questioning People” a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
Filippo Maria Nimbi Ph.D., Caterina Appia, Annalisa Tanzilli Ph.D., Guido Giovanardi Ph.D., and Vittorio Lingiardi MD, explore how attraction, desire, and fantasy might not be as simple as “I’m asexual, so I don’t feel this.”
ACE spectrum
Over the last few decades, “an increasing number of people have identified with the asexual (ACE) spectrum, recognizing an absence, lower, situational sexual attraction to individuals of any gender.” At its core, asexuality is about feeling little to no sexual attraction. You’re not driven by it, which goes against societal norms.
The ACE spectrum isn’t simply one thing, it’s a mix of identities:
- Asexual: Little to no sexual attraction. This means you don’t feel the urge for sex, though your level of interest can vary.
- Demisexual: Your attraction only rises when there’s a strong emotional connection. You may not feel anything at first, but once you connect deeply with someone, then boom—attraction.
- Gray-asexual: Somewhere in between. You rarely feel attraction, but you occasionally do under specific circumstances.
- Questioning: You’re still figuring it out. You might see yourself in parts of the ACE spectrum but haven’t identified with any specific label.
“The terminology used to describe different identities within the asexual community, like demisexual or gray-asexual, is fluid, evolving and deeply personal.” (Dr. Nimbi, et al.)
Asexuality, sex, and fantasies
A common myth is that asexual folks don’t have any interest in or completely avoid sex altogether. However, research shows this isn’t always the case. Many asexuals explore relationships, have sex, and fantasize about it. One study found some asexuals “enjoy arousal and orgasms in different ways than allosexual people” and often experience sexual fantasies. However, these might not involve real people, but rather “faceless” figures or imagined scenarios.
Contrary to stereotypes, asexuals’ approaches to sexual experiences are different for each person. They may see themselves as “sex-positive,” “sex-neutral,” or “sex-negative,” showing a range of feelings about sexuality.
So, how can you be asexual but still have a sex drive? Imagine if your type wasn’t about physical attraction but a mental or emotional connection. Previous studies reveal that demisexuals often need a deep bond before they feel any sexual spark. Our desires are deeply personal—it’s less about who we’re with and more about who we are.
Exploring the ACE community
The doctors wanted to “deepen the knowledge of sexual desire, erotic fantasies, and related emotions within the ACE spectrum.” To do this, they collected 1,041 volunteers from across Italy, mostly “cisgender women and non-binary people,” through social media channels tied to asexual awareness and activism.
They used the Sexual Desire Inventory-2 to determine how often the participants thought about sex and how strong those feelings were. They used questions like, “How often do you feel sexual desire for a regular partner?” The researchers also included the Sexual Desire and Erotic Fantasies questionnaire, which asked about attitudes toward fantasies, frequency of fantasies, and any negative feelings around desire. The questionnaire asked if they ever “fantasize about someone they find attractive” and how much.
What did the ACEs say?
Most of them don’t shun all forms of sexual or romantic fantasy. In fact, “caressing and hugging” and “kissing a partner” topped the fantasy list for every ACE group in the study. However, asexuals reported the lowest desire levels—from solo to partnered activities— reinforcing their “low-to-no” attraction description. But this doesn’t mean they have absolutely no sexual thoughts. Instead, they desired non-penetrative, affectionate contact, such as hugging and cuddling.
For asexuals, sexual attraction and desire are two separate things. This group reported “solitary desire” and engagement in solo activities like masturbation as much as anyone else on the ACE spectrum. So, what makes them different? Asexual folks fantasized more about those “faceless people” mentioned earlier, a concept called “autochorissexualism”, where there’s a disconnect between self and fantasy.
Demisexual participants claimed romantic scenarios are their main turn-ons, with emotional connection super important for their desire. They leaned toward classic, intimate fantasies that involved long-term partners.
Questioning & Gray-As
For folks questioning their asexuality, they reported higher levels of “negative feelings toward sexual desire,” than other ACE groups—perhaps due to the inner tension of defining one’s place. As they struggle to define their identity, they focus more on fantasies and experience “excessive desire”—this becomes an internal conflict.
Gray-asexuals fall somewhere between asexual and demisexual in both desire and fantasies. They’re in a “gray zone” where attraction might happen, but it’s rare, and typically in specific conditions. This group’s experiences aren’t easy to pin down, emphasizing the true spectrum of ACE identities.
Future ACE support
The authors acknowledge the limitations of their study. First, the participants, primarily young, tech-savvy folks recruited online, may not best represent the entire ACE community—particularly older adults. Additionally, the participants were mostly female, so including male-identifying ACEs in the future could give more diverse responses. The study also relied on self-report questionnaires, which could lead to respondent bias, even though the research team tried to avoid this with social desirability measures.
How can clinicians do better?
It’s essential to drop assumptions that ACE individuals are completely disinterested in sex. The researchers recommend that clinicians should be mindful of the wide range of ACE experiences, where some folks may enjoy certain fantasies or solo activities without wanting partnered sex. It’s super important for clinicians to understand “the diversity and heterogeneity” within the ACE spectrum, rather than sticking to the old stereotypes of ACE as a one-size-fits-all label.
Instead, they should take a “sex-positive approach” that embraces the fluid nature of ACE identities. For instance, affirming therapy that respects individual preferences, even if unconventional, can be paramount to a healthy mental space. Lastly, clinicians should focus on the needs of those who might have a strong interest in intimacy but experience it differently than non-ACE folks. Overall, they must be open-minded, sensitive, and willing to learn the spectrum’s nuances, so ACE clients feel understood, respected, and seen.
Feeling your ACE self
If you’re somewhere on the ACE spectrum, figuring things out can feel like a wild ride—or a meandering stroll. But whether you’re asexual, demisexual, gray-asexual, or just questioning, remember this: sexuality is complex and there’s no universal way to do it.
Whatever your place on the ACE spectrum, let your curiosity lead with compassion. Embrace the gray area and remember, your path to understanding desire is all yours. Because everyone deserves a sex (or no sex) life that’s perfect for them.
