“I fake an orgasm to get it done quicker.” This confession isn’t unique – 62% of women admit they’ve faked it at least once. A few of the reasons for faking it? To avoid hurting their partner’s feelings, to deal with their inability to orgasm, or simply to end sex more quickly.
Sexual performance anxiety isn’t just a problem for men; it’s a real issue for women too. Often dismissed or overlooked, this struggle can leave women feeling inadequate, anxious, and disconnected from their partners.
“Under Pressure: Men’s and Women’s Sexual Performance Anxiety in the Sexual Interactions of Adult Couples,” opens the conversation to how both men and women experience it, instead of showing it as a man-only problem.
It’s about understanding the real, everyday impact of sexual performance anxiety on relationships and self-worth.
Sexual Performance Anxiety
Sexual performance anxiety (SPA) is that constant worry in the back of your mind about whether or not you’re satisfying your partner during sex. It’s the feeling that you may not measure up, not being “good enough,” and the pressure to meet certain expectations in the bedroom.
Studies have shown that higher levels of SPA are linked to higher sexual distress and lower sexual satisfaction – not just for the individual experiencing it, but for their partner too. It can create a barrier between the couple’s intimacy pushing them toward conflict.
Where Does Anxiety Come From?
The answer may lie in the sexual script theory. It suggests that we all learn certain “scripts” about sex from our culture – ideas about what’s expected of us in sexual situations. Men, for example, are often taught to be the initiators and to “perform”. In comparison, women may feel pressure to be physically attractive and responsive to their partner’s needs.
These sexual scripts can be limiting and can fuel sexual performance anxiety when people feel like they are not living up to these sexpectations.
More Than Erectile Dysfunction
For men, SPA is often seen as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. It can be a vicious cycle where the anxiety of keeping an erection leads to losing it, which only creates more anxiety.
But it’s not just the physical. SPA in men is connected to feelings of inadequacy and stress. Even when factors like fatigue or communication problems are present, sexual performance anxiety still stands out as a predictor of sexual dysfunction.
Women’s Silent Struggle
It may be less talked about, but 6% to 16% of women struggle with sexual performance anxiety – it just looks a little different than men. For women, it manifests as:
- Low arousal
- Body image struggles
- The perceived ability to satisfy their partner
It can make it challenging for them to orgasm and even cause a lack of vaginal lubrication. SPA in women is directly linked to mental distractions during sex, like worrying about how they look or if they’re “doing it right.” These negative thoughts can make it hard to stay in the moment, leading to inconsistent orgasms and a higher chance of faking it.
Two Studies, One Goal
Clinical Psychology Student Amanda Bockaj and colleagues split their research into two studies.
Study One: Personal Experience
The goal of this study was to gather detailed, individual insights into how people experience sexual performance anxiety. They wanted to learn how the person copes with it and how they think it impacts their intimate relationships.
The participants were recruited online. They had to be at least 19 years old, in a committed relationship for at least three months, and frequently experience sexual performance anxiety. 51 participants completed the survey, including 17 cisgender men, 33 cisgender women, and 1 nonbinary person. The average age was 34, most were heterosexual, and 57% had children.
They answered a series of open-ended questions designed to examine thoughts and feelings about their sexual performance anxiety. Questions like “What thoughts were going through your head?” and “How did you cope with this type of anxiety?”
Study Two: Couple’s POV
This study examined the impact of sexual performance anxiety within relationships, specifically how it affects each partner.
Study two involved 228 couples (456 participants) who were recruited online. It had a sample of both mixed-sex and same-sex couples, as well as relationships with diverse gender identities. All of them were in committed, monogamous relationships of at least 3 months. The average age was 28 years old.
The couples did surveys to assess sexual performance anxiety, sexual distress, sexual satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction. Each partner did their survey separately to avoid influencing each other’s answers. They were asked questions such as “How satisfied are you with your sexual relationship with your partner?”, “Have you ever felt that your partner is dissatisfied with your sexual performance?” and “In the past 30 days, how often have you felt distressed about your sex life?”
Anxiety in the Sheets
A. Bockaj and the research team confirmed sexual performance anxiety is not a fleeting concern; it’s a significant issue that affects both the person experiencing it and their partner.
Participants felt a range of negative emotions when dealing with SPA. For women, poor body image was a common struggle, with one female participant admitting, “I was wanting to do it with the lights off to hide my unattractiveness.” This anxiety doesn’t just vanish; it lingers. When women worried about their bodies or if they were satisfying their partner, they often experienced lower arousal, which only increased their anxiety and frustration. As another participant shared, “I was trying to read from my partner’s expressions if I was performing well and meeting his needs, but I couldn’t tell for sure” causing them to doubt themselves. These feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure not only diminished their sexual enjoyment but also contributed to the cycle of anxiety, making sexual encounters even more stressful.
The studies revealed when one partner experiences higher levels of SPA, both partners report lower sexual satisfaction and higher sexual distress. This effect was consistent no matter the gender. One participant described how this anxiety affected their intimacy: “We do not have spontaneous sex anymore and sex has become a distant part of our relationship.”
So, how do people cope?
Participants used a mix of techniques to manage their bedroom anxiety. About 61% of the participants, particularly women, did “approach strategies”, which involved staying engaged in the sexual activity for mutual pleasure, talking about their needs, or seeking reassurance from their partner. For example, one woman shared, “I let my partner know how I was feeling” and they told me “There was no rush”.
On the other hand, 45% of participants, mostly men, resorted to “avoidance strategies.” They either avoided sex altogether, stopped midway, or would simply go through the motions without telling their partner. One woman confessed, “I don’t tell my partner how I feel because I know that would upset him and he would think it is his fault.”
The biggest takeaway? Sexual performance anxiety isn’t just an individual issue – it’s a couple’s problem.
Future Research
A. Bockaj and colleagues indicate the need for future research to explore sexual performance across more diverse groups and relationship dynamics. They point out their study sample was not diverse enough, with only 20% of participants in Study 1 and 14% in Study 2 identifying as a gender or sexual minority.
Additionally, they propose examining how SPA looks in different types of relationships, such as polyamorous or long-distance couples. The researchers recommend using more longitudinal studies or daily diary methods to discover how sexual performance anxiety changes over time and its impact on relationships.
Kick Your Sexual Performance Anxiety
Dealing with SPA can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, but it doesn’t have to be.
Body Image Struggles?
According to the study, poor body image was one of the most common triggers for women.
Tips to Combat Body Image Anxiety:
- Shift your attention away from how you look and focus more on your feelings. Try mindfulness techniques that keep your brain present in the moment, like deep breathing or concentrating on sensations.
- Tell yourself positive things before and during sex. Remind yourself that your partner is with you because they are attracted to you.
- Let your partner know how you’re feeling.
Low Libido?
Some women’s anxiety comes from their inability to become aroused quickly enough or worrying that they won’t be able to keep up with their partner’s needs.
Enhance Your Arousal:
- Don’t rush into it. Instead, make your foreplay longer. Try massaging each other to relax and get into the mood.
- Spend time figuring out what turns you on the most, like certain types of touch, fantasies, or moods. Then, share these preferences with your partner.
- Use lubrication. There’s absolutely no shame in boosting your experience with lube – it’ll make it more comfortable and enjoyable.
Worried About Satisfying Your Partner?
The pressure to satisfy a partner was a significant source of sexual performance anxiety. Women often worry about whether they’re doing enough or if their partner likes it.
Relieve Your Performance Pressure:
- Chat with your partner about your sexual expectations and concerns.
- Shift your focus from performance to pleasure. Instead of worrying about if you’re doing everything ‘right’, focus on what feels good for both of you.
- Remind yourself that sexual satisfaction is about connection, not perfection.
Sexual performance anxiety is real, but it doesn’t have to control your sex life.
