Arguments happen and couples fight – but it’s how they fight that really matters.
So, is there a better way to duke it out with your partner? According to the research: yes, there is!
“Fighting the Good Fight: Relating Warmth and Dominance Across Romantic Conflict to Resolution”, explores how these dynamics during arguments impact the ending – do couples feel like their conflict was resolved?
It’s time to turn heated arguments into happier and healthier relationships.
“The culprit is not what you were fighting about, but how you were fighting.” (J. Gottman)
Warmth & Dominance
Positive, loving romantic partnerships are essential for psychological and physical well-being – but conflicts are part of the deal. Previous research has shown how couples handle their disagreements, rather than how often they happen or what they argue about, significantly predicts how satisfied they are. Behaviors, like showing concern, respect, and humor, can go a long way in de-escalating negative vibes and pushing toward a resolution.
The researchers define warmth and dominance on spectrums based on the Interpersonal Theory:
Warmth: From being cold and distant to being warm and caring.
Dominance: From controlling and power-driven to submissive and accommodating.
Interpersonal Theory helps us understand the behavioral dynamics in romantic relationships. It suggests that higher levels of warmth and lower levels of dominance lead to partners feeling like they have better conflict resolution.
Based on this theory, Sidney Gibson MS, and colleagues think that people who believe they have higher conflict resolution will show more warmth and less dominance during their fights. And vice versa – less warmth and more dominance will equal negative feelings at the end of an argument.
Studying Couples
The researchers studied 173 couples in monogamous relationships who had been together for at least three months. They were recruited from the Chicago metropolitan area via flyers and advertisements around a university and local community spots. The couples were male-identified and female-identified partners who spoke English.
Ranging from 18 to 73 years, they had an average age of 32. Their relationships had an average length of 9 years – 62% were married and 38% were dating.
First, the participants did an online session, giving the researchers basic demographic information and answering other questions. About two weeks later, they visited the research center with their partners to do more surveys, computer tasks, and interactions. During the lab visit, couples participated in an 8-minute video-recorded conflict discussion. The topic was an ongoing problem within their relationship.
How were they studied?
The researchers asked them simple questions to discover how well the couples resolved their conflicts. After their argument, each person rated how much they agreed with statements like, “Overall, this discussion helped bring resolution to this area of conflict,” and “My partner and I worked through this area of conflict during this discussion.” They used a scale from 1 (strongly disagree) to 7 (strongly agree) to show their feelings.
The researchers used a special tool called the Continuous Assessment of Interpersonal Dynamics to see how warm and dominant behaviors appeared during their arguments. Judges watched the video-recorded arguments and used a joystick to track how warm (friendly and caring) or dominant (controlling) each person acted every half second.
The researchers analyzed the data by looking at how couples’ warmth and dominance changed throughout their arguments – using dyadic mixed multilevel interaction models. This means they looked at both partners’ behaviors to see how they influenced their feelings about resolving the conflict. They focused on the trends of warmth and dominance to understand how they affected the couples’ perception of whether their disagreement was resolved.
Results
The study found that how warm and caring people are during their argument matters. Couples who were warmer and less dominant – meaning they were not trying to control the conversation – felt better about how they resolved their disagreements.
Specifically, the study showed that “less average interpersonal warmth was associated with worse perceptions of resolutions” and that when warmth decreased over time, couples felt their arguments were less resolved. On the other hand, being dominant did not affect how conflicts were resolved.
Interestingly, the topic may decide how easy it is to maintain warmth. The researchers suggest, “Understanding the role of conflict topic in determining warm behavior would enhance our understanding of these dynamics.” Meaning, that some stuff is easier to argue about in a warm and caring way.
The Future of Fighting
Key takeaways: If you want to improve your relationship, focus on being kind and understanding during disagreements – particularly when it’s tough.
Gibson MS and colleagues suggest that couples who maintain or increase warmth during arguments are more likely to resolve them more effectively. This information could be useful for relationship counseling and interventions, showing that encouraging these behaviors might improve relationship satisfaction.
How do you maintain warmth? Try using “verbal affection, physical touch, or playful humor.” These simple acts can make a big difference.
- During your argument, try to maintain eye contact, smile, and use a kinder, more gentle tone.
- Take responsibility for your actions and use humor or affection (like a light touch or a funny remark) to lighten the mood.
- Listen to your partner’s points and avoid interrupting.
- Focus on finding solutions rather than winning the argument.
- Acknowledge their feelings and validate their concerns.
- Know when your actions are not enough – sometimes the best solution is a neutral third party, such as a therapist.
So, next time you find yourself in a heated argument with your partner, kindness counts. Remember, the argument is not a threat to your relationship but an opportunity for growth and healthier connections.
