“It’s just (Ahh) a little crush (Crush)” – you know the one – that catchy 1998 pop song about an innocent infatuation, you can’t get out of your head, no matter how hard you try.
But what happens when that little crush is on someone else while you’re already in a committed relationship?
According to “It’s Just a Little Crush: Attraction to an Alternative and Romantic Relationship Quality, Breakups, and Infidelity,” crushing is actually pretty common.
Dr. Charlene F. Belu and Dr. Lucia F. O’Sullivan examine how these extradyadic attractions (having a crush on someone outside of your relationship) can happen to anyone. It’s not that you’ve caught feelings for someone else; it’s how intense that desire gets that can make or break your current IRL romance.
Yes, crushes happen, but if you know “it’s just a little thing,” it may not impact your relationship at all.
Just a Little Crush
Can crushes become problematic for a long-term relationship?
When it comes to our love lives, a little crush on someone else may seem harmless, but how much attention we give those alternative partners can affect our current relationship. According to Dr. Belu and Dr. O’Sullivan, attention toward potential romantic alternatives is pretty automatic for most of us. It’s not simply noticing someone is attractive – we all do that – but how long we focus on them.
Previous studies have shown that this attention bias is tough to suppress, even in committed relationships. But it gets blurry when that little interest or flirtation becomes something more. Romantic and sexual attraction toward someone other than your significant partner can be harmless fun, a form of “entertainment or escape,” but the intensity of the appeal we’re feeling makes all the difference. The more intense the infatuation is, the more likely it’s going to mess with your relationship.
These types of temptations don’t always lead to cheating – most people can manage a passing fancy without jeopardizing their relationship. However, those with a stronger attraction “may be more likely to communicate their interest” and even consider initiating something new. Especially, if they feel less-than-satisfied in their current coupling.
Talking to People in Relationships
The researchers explore how these feelings impact relationship quality, commitment, and the potential for infidelity. Unlike previous studies, they specifically examined the intensity of these attractions over time and how they potentially lead to a break-up or cheating.
Dr. Belu and Dr. O’Sullivan recruited 542 participants from online sources like social media and crowdsourcing websites. To participate, they had to be between the ages of 22 and 35, living in the US or Canada, and in an exclusive relationship of at least 3 months. They also needed to admit they had a crush on someone other than their partner, yet not being romantically or sexually involved with that extra person.
The participants filled out a baseline survey about their relationship and their crushes. They answered questions like “How much would you like to be physically intimate with your crush?” After four months, they filled out a follow-up survey asking if they acted on their desire and if their relationship status had changed.
The researcher duo wanted to know how happy they were in their relationship, their commitment to said relationship, and their sexual satisfaction. They also gauged the “perceived quality of alternatives,” asking how appealing other options seemed – like spending time with friends or dating others.
What the Research Shows
First off, nearly half of the participants (49.1%) reported having an understanding with their partner that they wouldn’t desire other people, but many still confessed to having at least one crush, often two or more, during their current relationship. And a lot of them – 67.7% to be exact – didn’t tell their partner about these attractions. While some had feelings for close friends, many described their crush as a casual friend or acquaintance. These desirable options didn’t simply pop up overnight – they had known them for about 2 years and had been attracted to them for a year.
What’s even more interesting is that most didn’t see their crush as a problem. In fact, 6 out of 10 participants didn’t think their fascination needed to change. However, about a third wanted their feelings to cool off to avoid getting too close to the other person. While most of them claimed they wouldn’t leave their partner for their crush, 43.5% admitted they’d like to be sexually involved – if given the opportunity. Despite these confessions, most couples (87.8%) stayed together over the 4-month study.
Yes, these infatuations did impact relationships in some ways. The intensity of the crush correlated with lower relationship and sexual satisfaction. And those who were less satisfied were more likely to break up with their partner. Commitment played a huge role in predicting if a couple would last. The less committed someone was, the more likely they were to split from their partner. Yet very few (only 3%) actually cheated with their crush during the study.
So, is it Problematic?
According to the research, it depends. A crush doesn’t automatically spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E for your relationship – unless you let your feelings become more intense toward this person.
More feels more problems. Meaning, the deeper your feelings, the more likely you’re going to increase your attention to other people, potentially leading to relationship issues and checking out of your current partnership.
Of course, this research has its limitations. Since only one partner’s POV was studied, it’s possible the crush affected the relationship in ways the participant wasn’t aware of. It was also a short study – just four months – so it didn’t capture longer-term consequences or opportunities for reconciliation and growth. Future research should involve both partners and take place over a longer period to better understand the full gravity of an infatuation situation.
Crush 101
More than likely, you’ll get a crush – even if you’re in a committed relationship. And according to Dr. Belu and Dr. O’Sullivan, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The key is managing those feelings, so they don’t turn into something bigger. So how do you deal with it?
Put limits
If you’ve got a crush on someone at work or a friend and you do not want to pursue it, be mindful of how much time you’re spending with them. Keep things professional, don’t let the allure grow stronger, and maintain boundaries agreed in your current relationship. The research found that most participants kept their crushes as casual acquaintances, which helped prevent those deeper connections.
Don’t Bottle It Up
Sometimes, acknowledging your feelings for someone else can help you put things in perspective. Being honest with yourself and maybe even your partner about these crushes can help open new lines of communication and focus on your current coupling – it could be an opportunity to build trust. Remember, these attractions are normal, but how you handle them matters.
Check Your Relationship Health
Are you happy in your current relationship? A crush might be more intense if you’re already having struggles. Use this as a signal to check in with your partner and work on things like communication or intimacy.
As the Georgia-born Jennifer Paige sang in 1998, “It’s just a little crush,” so don’t let it control your feelings or your life. You are in charge.
