You never thought you’d be here, heart racing, sitting on the edge of your bed with your partner and… another woman. Nerves and excitement mingle—questions swirling—Will it be fun? Will we feel closer after this? Will this ruin our relationship? You feel a mix of curiosity and hesitation, but also the thrill of the unknown. The energy between you crackles. Every touch feels new and electric. It’s an unexpected way to explore trust and intimacy.
Afterward, your mind is spinning. It was exciting, but did you actually love it? It was incredibly erotic to share with your partner, but was it really your thing? You realize you felt a bit left out when the attention shifted away from you—something you hadn’t expected. You feel satisfied but uncertain. Would you do it again? Maybe… maybe not.
Are threesomes really for you? Or is this a one-and-done sexual adventure? “An Empirical Investigation of Variations in Outcomes Associated with Hetersoxual Adults’ Most Recent Mixed-Sex Threesome Experience” authored by Ashley E. Thompson Ph.D., McKenna Osborn MSW, Katie Gooch MA, and Mariah Ravet MS, explores these feelings for both men and women—satisfaction, expectations, and the potential impact on your relationship dynamic.
And here’s the thing—threesomes aren’t just a passing curiosity—they’re one of the most common sexual fantasies. A study by Dr. Justin Lehmiller found that 89% of folks have fantasized about some form of multi-partner sex, including threesomes. Despite this, only a fraction act on it, leaving many wondering if the fantasy can ever live up to the hype.
Because sometimes, you don’t know what you don’t know until you do it.
Outside the charmed circle
More adults are venturing into once-taboo areas of sexual exploration, like threesomes. It’s not simply about breaking the rules; it’s discovering new ways to connect. This ties into what Gayle Rubin calls the “Charmed Circle.” This concept divides sexual behaviors into those deemed acceptable (like monogamous, heterosexual relationships) and those that are not (like group sex or same-sex experiences).
Threesomes fall outside of the circle. But attitudes are shifting. Research shows that multi-partner sex is increasing, with 30% of North American adults having participated in a threesome.
While men may embrace the experience with fewer hesitations, women often feel societal pressures and a greater mix of emotions. Sexual scripts—norms about who and how we should have sex—play a huge role in shaping your sexual satisfaction. As the research notes, “Violations to the traditional sexual script are often met with negative attitudes and high social disapproval.”
So, while trying a threesome may be freeing, it also brings risks—especially for romantic partnerships. Jealousy can be a factor, even in the most secure couplings. Will your partner feel closer to the third person? Will you? Fear of being replaced or feeling left out is common, especially if your dynamic shifts unexpectedly during the encounter. According to the research, women report feeling less included than their male compadres in mixed-sex threesomes, which could lead to a less-than-stellar emotional response.
Can pleasure be found outside the circle? Or are the risks to your relationship too high?
Studying threesomes
Despite a growing public interest in threesomes, little is known about how folks feel afterward. To explore this, the researchers recruited 276 adults, ages 18 and up, who were heterosexual, and had prior mixed-sex threesome experience. Most of them were men (217 male, 59 female), with an average age of 36, and a wide range of relationship statuses—from single to married to polyamorous. They were recruited from social media and pop-ads on a threesome matchmaking app.
The research team used two online surveys to gather data. The Threesome Outcome Scale asked participants to rate whether their threesome “met their expectations” and if they would do another one. The Threesome Behavior Checklist asked about specific activities done during the threesome, like “cunnilingus, fellatio, and breast play.”
The deets on threesomes
Did threesomes meet expectations? The results show a fairly even split—most participants felt like it “slightly exceeded expectations.” On average, they rated the experience a 3.74 out of 5. It didn’t blow their minds, but it didn’t disappoint either. Interestingly, 87.7% of them had an orgasm during their ménage à trois.
What about doing it again? The study found most would consider it, but with some reservations—especially among female participants who felt more meh about the experience.
This reflects a gender/sex difference in outcomes, with men generally reporting higher satisfaction and willingness to do a threesome again, particularly if it involved two women. Traditional scripts, which prioritize male pleasure, may play a role here. So, let’s flip the script—literally. It’s not about framing this as a negative; it’s finding ways to make the experience more fulfilling for everyone. Exploring dynamics like male-male-female or all-female throuplings could better match your threesome fantasies.
Does your romantic partner change things?
If their honey was part of the threesome, things were more positive. Participants who invited their partner had more satisfaction from their throupling experience and were more likely to do it again. Why? Researchers suspect comfort and trust play big roles. Being with your partner brings a sense of security that may be missing in threesomes with strangers.
Limitations and future research
The researchers do acknowledge the study’s limitations. For one, it focused on heterosexual, cisgender adults—omitting the experiences of other groups. And if you had a great experience, you would be more likely to volunteer for a study like this. This means the results may lean a little too positive. By recruiting a larger sample of folks, future studies can capture a fuller picture. Another issue? Memory. The participants were asked to remember a single recent threesome. So, the authors suggest using daily diary entries for real-time reflections.
Culture plays a role too. In some regions, talking about sex is a huge no-no. For example, “those identifying with certain Chinese cultures view having conversations about sexual behavior as ‘inappropriate.’” So, some perspectives might be missing. Future research could examine how culture and location define these experiences.
So, what makes people want to try a threesome? The study didn’t ask folks the ‘why’, but the authors acknowledge it may be a huge factor in how you’re feeling afterward. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s research, acting on fantasies tends to be way more satisfying when it’s about shared curiosity and mutual exploration, rather than feeling pressured or trying to please your partner.
Mutual consent and shared pleasure
Wrapping your mind around the idea of a threesome—and everything it could mean for your current relationship or situationship—can feel daunting. Whether you’re curious or cautious, one thing is clear: exploring outside the “charmed circle” may introduce new levels of intimacy and trust.
If you’re thinking about chatting to your partner, try easing in with questions like:
“Have you ever had a fantasy about adding a third person to our bedroom activities?”
“I would love to share the experience of a threesome together, what do you think?”
“What excites you the most about trying something new together?”
No matter where your conversations take you, sexual exploration is all about communication, mutual consent, and shared pleasure. Whether you try a threesome or decide it’s not for you, the key is discovering satisfaction, playfulness, and connection.
