It’s been one of those days – deadlines are looming, emails are piling up, and everyone seems to need something from you. You’re juggling a million thoughts at once, trying not to forget that important birthday or the project that just became a ‘priority’. You finally get home, and of course, it’s a mess because you’ve both been too busy. There’s no plan for dinner, so you’re ordering takeout again, even though it’s the complete opposite of your fitness goals.
You’re stressed out.
All you want is to sink into the couch and doom-scroll yourself to oblivion: make it all go away for just a moment. You glance at your partner – you can tell they are ready to go – but the thought of adding yet another task to your overloaded brain is just too overwhelming. Your brain is too stressed to even think about it.
Raise your hand if you relate.
And it’s not simply about being “too tired.” It’s real, everyday stress that can seep into our relationships in unexpected ways.
“Not Now, I Am Too Stressed”: Stress and Physical Intimacy in Early Marriage” looks at how stress impacts our sex lives, especially during the early years of marriage.
So, are you too stressed for sex? Or maybe the real question is: Is there a way to manage your stress so you can still have a fulfilling sex life?
The Stress-Sex Connection
Stress and sex don’t exactly mesh well. When life hits us with too many stressors, sexual activities with our partners often become deprioritized. Previous research has shown that stress can interfere with our efforts to create intimacy in relationships. When stressed out, we tend to become more self-focused, mainly concerned with managing our negative emotions. As one study notes, “During stressful times, individuals often disengage from interactions with their partners”. They might show negative behaviors like criticism and anger – creating an even bigger distance between us and our partners.
Some research has found that women who experience more daily stressors have lower sexual interest and less sex. However, the results are mixed. Another study found that stress was associated with an increase in sexual desire for some men and women.
What about the gender differences? Previous research suggests that women are more likely than men to report a drop in sexual activity on stressful days. But when it comes to non-sexual physical attraction, women are also more likely to seek affectionate touch from their partners when they’re feeling stressed out. While stress might make women more physically touchy with their partner, it doesn’t always translate to them wanting sex – which can be confusing for their male partners who may equate affectionate touching with sexual activity.
So how much stress do you need to feel before it starts to mess with your sex life? It’s not a simple “more stress, less sex” answer.
Studying Stress & Intimacy
Alyssa M. Sucrese M.A. and Doctors Lisa A. Neff and Marci E. J. Gleason recruited newlywed couples from the Austin, Texas area through ads in the community and online platforms. To qualify, couples had to meet the following criteria:
- First marriage for both partners
- Married less than 6 months
- No children
The final sample size included 292 people (144 couples and 4 additional wives). The average age was 29.2 years for the husbands and 27.3 years for the wives. Education levels varied, most had at least a bachelor’s degree and around 70% had full-time jobs. About 79% of husbands and 77% of wives were white, with smaller representations of Hispanic, African American, and Asian.
Gathering the Data
The couples completed a questionnaire to capture their baseline demographics, relationship satisfaction, and how long they lived together before tying the knot.
Once done, the couples were asked to complete a 14-day diary, where they logged their stress levels and physical intimacy with their partners. This wasn’t a one-time diary – participants repeated their journaling at the 18- and 30-month mark.
The daily diary included a variety of questions to track each day’s stress and intimate interactions:
Daily Stress: Participants completed a 9-item checklist tracking their nonmarital stressors like “problems with transportation” or “arguments with friends”.
Physical Intimacy: Couples also checked off whether they had sexual intercourse with their partner or did other forms of nonsexual physical affection (like cuddling) that day.
Negative Mood: To capture their emotional state, they rated nine negative moods like anxiety or anger.
Day of the Week: Weekends were separated from weekdays since previous research shows that couples are more likely to do sexual things on the weekend.
The research team used multilevel modeling to analyze the data, which allowed them to include participants even if they missed a day or two of diary entries. This method is great for spotting patterns. They also adjusted for factors like weekends, daily mood, and whether the couples had children during the study.
Sex vs. Stress
One of the biggest questions the authors tackle is whether day-to-day stress impacts the likelihood of sex. The results show a clear pattern: as daily stress increases, couples are less likely to engage in sexual activities. This drop in sex is most significant when stress rises from low to moderate levels. However, once stress reaches a high point, the impact plateaus. Suggesting that once stress hits a certain threshold, it doesn’t necessarily keep driving down bedroom intimacy.
The study confirmed that couples are more likely to have sex on weekends than on weekdays. And those with higher relationship satisfaction have sex more frequently. However, people are less likely to do it if they have kids or are in a negative mood. In fact, having a child had a noticeable negative impact on sexual activity, making it less likely for couples to be physically intimate on stressful days.
When it comes to gender, the research reveals that “women’s stress was a stronger predictor of the couple’s sexual behavior compared to men’s stress”. Meaning, that women’s stress levels play a more significant role in whether sex would happen. This aligns with other research showing women often act as the “gatekeepers” of sexual activity in the relationship.
The Cuddle Killer
Physical affection, like cuddling and hugs, also takes a hit on stressful days – but this was more common for women. On days when women experience higher stress, they are less likely to show or receive physical affection from their partners. Men’s stress levels didn’t have the same effect. This stress-affection paradox suggests that although women may crave affection as a form of support, they are less likely to do it or seek it when they’re stressed out.
Study Limitations
A. M. Sucrese and the doctors point out that their sample of newlywed couples was relatively homogenous (mostly white and well-educated). Which might not reflect the experience of more diverse or long-term couplings. Plus, because the study only looked at happy newlyweds initially without kids, stress might have even greater effects on couples further along in their partnerships – married or not, with kids or recent parents. They acknowledge that they couldn’t determine whether stress reduces intimacy or if less intimacy makes stress worse.
Can Stress Affect Your Love Life?
Yes, stress can be a real bummer for your sex life. And as stress builds, you might catch yourself saying “not tonight” more often – even if you’re still craving affection. The good news? Discovering ways to manage your stress can help keep your sex life alive.
Begin by recognizing the stress triggers in your daily life – work, kids, that never-ending to-do list – and try to make space for some YOU time. Focus on the basics: sleep, exercise, and eating well. Mindfulness and couples therapy can also be amazing tools to reduce stress and strengthen your connection. And remember, the research shows that sexy time is more likely on the weekends, so maybe schedule sex for those (hopefully) slower days.
Stress sucks, but your sex life doesn’t have to!
