That touch really feels good, but it would feel even better a little more to the left.
So you move your hand there, knowing all the right spots and just how to hit them. You look up at your lover, watching them as they watch you, both caressing your own bodies like pleasure pros.
As he strokes his penis with one hand, you see him firmly yet gently cup his testicles with the other. Noticing his half-closed eyes, you can tell he’s definitely enjoying himself. So you make a mental note: next time you’re down there you’ll mimic these movements.
Now it’s his turn to pick up some new tricks. You lick your lips, close your eyes, and start rubbing your clitoris from side to side. You’re not so much into circles or figure eights; you prefer back-and-forth motions. Opening your eyes to check he’s paying attention, you explain how amazing this type of touch feels—and he nods in recognition. This guy could be a keeper!
A study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health examines how partnered self-pleasure ties to sexual satisfaction and self-esteem in romantic relationships. While often studied as a safer sex practice, particularly among men who have sex with men, its links to sexual wellbeing remain underexplored.
A deeper understanding of mutual masturbation holds the potential not only to improve sexual communication between partners. It could help bridge the orgasm gap between men and women.
What is mutual masturbation?
Mutual masturbation refers to “the presence or involvement of a partner(s) during self-stimulation, which may occur before, during, after, or without any other sexual activity (Kılıc ̧ Onar et al., 2020).”
Prevailing beliefs would have us think masturbation always happens alone, mostly among single folks, and with the goal of reaching climax. But that’s just not true.
It often takes place between couples, because let’s face it, it can be hot to see your lover get off. It can also be hot to have someone be turned on by watching you touch yourself. For example, one person might masturbate while their partner watches, both partners might self-pleasure simultaneously, or a woman might rub her clitoris during sexual intercourse.
It can also be more than just another enticing addition to your sexual repertoire. Study authors Dilan Kılıç, Heather L. Armstrong, and Cynthia A. Graham emphasize its potential benefits for couples:
“Mutual masturbation can provide visual cues about pleasure triggers and may also help partners openly communicate about sexual needs, likes, and dislikes.”
And importantly, it’s often about the journey of self-pleasure, not simply a means to an end.
Investigating partnered self-pleasure
To get the low down on self-pleasure among couples, 117 women and 151 men were recruited into an online study. Participants had to be 18 or older, in a relationship for at least a year, and fluent in English. Research data was collected between January 2021 and January 2022.
Participants shared their experiences of solo and mutual masturbation, feelings about mutual masturbation, and levels of sexual self-esteem and sexual satisfaction. They also provided demographic details, such as age, relationship status, cohabitation style, illness or disability, and whether they had children.
Most (60%) were unmarried while 38% were married. More than half (56%) had been in their relationship for 1 to 5 years. The majority (81%) identified as heterosexual and had an average age of 30 years old. About half (138) were recruited via social media, while the rest (130) came through the research platform Prolific.
Just like there’s no one way to masturbate, there’s no universally accepted definition of it. That said, for the purpose of the study participants were told, “Masturbation means stimulating your own genitals to enjoy the pleasurable sensations or experience orgasm.”
Multiple linear regressions were conducted to examine the impact of recent mutual masturbation on sexual satisfaction and self-esteem.
Sexual satisfaction was assessed using The New Sexual Satisfaction Scale, while sexual self-esteem was measured with The Sexual Self-esteem Inventory. Sexual self-esteem refers to a “person’s sense of self as a sexual being, including self-appraisals of sexual feelings, thoughts, and behaviors as well as perceptions of sexual acceptability and sexual identity.”
How common is mutual masturbation?
Turns out, partnered self-pleasure is quite popular!
More than half (51%) of participants had engaged in mutual masturbation within the past two weeks, with similar rates for men (48%) and women (54%).
Yet, recent solo masturbation was reported more frequently than recent mutual masturbation. Interestingly, no significant gender differences emerged, which is surprising given that past studies have repeatedly shown that men were more likely to report solo masturbation.
Feelings about mutual masturbation
“Both men and women reported more positive than negative feelings about mutual masturbation, although men reported significantly higher positive feelings than women,” wrote the authors.
The most reported feelings were “happy,” “good,” and “satisfied.” Only very few strongly felt mutual masturbation was “strange” (12 participants) or made them “tense” (9 participants).
Notably, men who hadn’t engaged in mutual masturbation in the past two weeks had higher positive feelings compared to women. However, there were no gender differences among those who had done it recently.
The authors suggest this difference may stem from sexual double standards that perceive masturbation as only acceptable for boys and men. Such restrictions on women’s sexual freedom may undermine their comfort with both their sexuality and self-pleasure.
Sexual satisfaction and sexual self-esteem
Recent mutual masturbation was linked to higher sexual satisfaction for both men and women. Higher sexual satisfaction was also associated with being younger and not having an illness or disability.
In contrast, there was no link—neither positive nor negative—between solo masturbation and sexual satisfaction.
As for sexual self-esteem, no significant connections were found between recent mutual or solo masturbation.
Limitations
The sample was predominantly young, well-educated, White, and didn’t attend religious services regularly.
It’s also unclear whether mutual masturbation leads to higher sexual satisfaction, or if people who are more satisfied with their sex life are simply more likely to do it. The cross-sectional data does not determine cause and effect.
Furthermore, the study was conducted during the COVID-19 pandemic. As a result, the findings may have been influenced by the pandemic’s impact on relationships and sexual behavior.
Other limitations include reliance on self-reported data and a lack of information on individuals’ attitudes on their own masturbation. In addition, there was no differentiation between online and in-person partner presence.
On the path to mutual satisfaction
If you enjoy touching yourself with your lover around—or seeing them pleasure themselves—you’re not alone.
Mutual masturbation is common among couples and linked to both positive emotions and greater sexual satisfaction. “These results challenge the compensatory model of masturbation in which masturbation is perceived as a substitute for unsatisfactory partnered sex,” wrote the authors.
Still, women who had not recently engaged in mutual masturbation were less likely to feel positive about it than men. Future mixed-method studies should explore the complex interplay of individual feelings, relationship dynamics, and sexual scripts in shaping experiences.
When practiced in a safe and comfortable setting, the authors suggest mutual masturbation could serve as a valuable tool in couple’s therapy. By helping start conversations about sexual preferences, it could potentially boost sexual satisfaction. This approach may be especially beneficial for women, who often find masturbation more reliable for reaching climax than intercourse. As the authors explain:
“Sexuality does not have to follow a traditional sexual script and broadening one’s sexual repertoire with mutual masturbation can create diverse sexual opportunities with a partner that may uncover new pleasure resources and help to close the orgasm gap.”
